Jamie Lynch's Derby Preview: Top Hats and Tales

If you wear something that people would like in 1962 because that was when these fat women were 28 years old and you are close friends with these fat old people women and kiss there ass you will win. It is very hard when everbody who sees your hat and says you should win and you work your ass off to work on it and ever year you see who wins it that has crap you to would get you upset. what must happen is that there should be somebody else who dont work for del mar track and have notning to do with them that do the voting for the contest that way it is a far contest and have these fat old women no more to do with the contest and the vote it must happen if the contest can be better .Another problem that has been going on is that most of the winners are over 39 years old and the women who run it the contest doesnt want to give it the winner to anybody younger then 39 years old just look at the winners the last 3 years all of the winners were over 39 years old and heaven forbids that anybody that is younger to win it as that would just get these old fat women angry because if are over 39 years old then in there minds they like you because the winners who won it are way over 39 years old and that is why you got another problem is.

The traditional and extravagant hat contest, on the opening day of the season at Del Mar, where the turf meets the surf, hasn’t got universal acclaim then. The above rant, reproduced verbatim, was posted in the comments section by jbhockey1977, someone whose moniker surprisingly suggests may be 39 years old.

There’s a hat contest at Epsom this weekend by the sound of things, with hats being thrown into the Derby ring almost daily; hats of all shapes and sizes, though distinctively recognisable, for function or representation, some with a reserved space in the ring and others flung from left-field. It makes for a fascinating fascinator of a Derby.

So, what exactly are the hats in the ring, and who’s wearing them?

The Baseball Cap

As worn by US Army Ranger. Very popular. The easy choice. More functional than flashy. Often branded, the team colours signifying everything. Lighter than it looks, but peak in front of it and good for disguise.

The Stetson

As worn by Wings of Desire. Imposing and rugged. Stands out in profile. A classic construction, also a status symbol, and a favourite for many. Reputation built on staying power. Built to withstand the elements, not very nimble or mobile.

The Bicorne

As worn by Cloth of Stars. A battlefront beret, identifiably French but with a military edge, signalling an invasion coming. Sturdy, well worn, and has a touch of class about it. Headstrong.

The Balaclava

As worn by Ulysses. The cover-up. Hard to know what’s underneath because so little is exposed. Has figuratively changed in recent times, less about protection, more fearsome.

The Trucker Cap

As worn by Deauville. Intertwined with the baseball cap, rather more robust and practical. Considered to be the underclass version, but then Pharrell started wearing one. Just goes to show the power of one man’s decision…

The Biretta

As worn by Moonlight Magic. God knows. No prayer mats needed, not when He is orchestrating things. Three peaks and one tuft (on heavy). Overlooked for a while but started to be taken seriously again.

The Fedora

As worn by Idaho. Smart and neat, not so overbearing as its more brimful counterparts. Too soft for some. Looked very good once upon a time, but has fallen out of favour in the informal shift.

The Tin Foil Hat

As worn by Port Douglas. Conspiracy theories. (see Chester Jester Hat)

And rounding up some of the others, there’s Humphrey Bogart’s hard hat, heavy dutybut you wouldn’t wear it to a ball; there’s Massaat and his headband, athletic but short on elastic; there’s Harzand’s umbrella hat, making him better equipped than anyone else for the rain; and there’s Red Verdon’s magician’s hat, with hidden and surprising depths.

The Homburg was the headgear of choice for Poirot. And the Derby looks a job for Poirot, a whodunit turned wholldoit. We’ve got a long list of suspicious characters, all exaggerated by the drama, none fully formed. We’ve had red herrings, plot twists, clichés and misdirection.

I’m not the only one who’s looking at the Derby like a classic Christie conundrum, focusing on the peripheral characters now we’re coming to the climax, seeing the supposed bit-part players in a different light. It’s not big or clever, but the prices are big and the theory is clever.

And piecing the clues together leads me towards Idaho, the Fedora wearer. Clark Kent donned the Fedora when (poorly) disguising the Superman inside, and we definitely haven’t seen the real Idaho yet.

It was odd that Ryan Moore didn’t ride him when he was favourite for the Derrinstown, but I’m not sure he’d forgiven him for flying all the way from the Breeders’ Cup on the Saturday night to France on the Sunday to partner him in the Group 1 Criterium de Saint-Cloud, getting recompense with Johannes Vermeer that day, but principally there, one suspected, to join forces with Idaho.

Both his races this year have acted as camouflage, going like the best horse in the Ballysax, only to be ground down by the ground clown, mud-loving Harzand, and then left too much to do in the steadily-run Derrinstown, only third home, but only third gear available as that race went.

True, he’s taking a while to work it out and not delivering all he promised, but the exact same comment, at the exact same time, was true of his brother Highland Reel last year, and remember how the summer (and beyond) went for him.

Keep an eye on Idaho, and keep an eye on whether cheekpieces or some equipment is deployed to help him get where he needs to be. After all, headgear is all the fashion.