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CABERNET
Try it again. Because you don’t love it at first probably means it’s good, and this year’s vintage is better than last.
What your drink says - You like contemporary art, or claim to. You’re intelligent and sophisticated, therefore borderline pretentious, but still very popular, also respected, because you’re the one in the restaurant not embarrassed to send food back.
SOBER SUMMARY: Ticks the most boxes out of any horse in the field, and now the finished article when he wasn’t, in seventh, last year.
DRUNKEN SUMMARY: Can’t kick him out the four. Can’t completely forget last year. Can’t quite see him winning.
CHAMPAGNE
Classy, showy, and in many ways the right choice for an extravagant event like this, but increasingly as an observer, and like the bubbles, like the palate, the byword is delicate.
What your drink says – You enjoy the finer things in life. You’ve got more than enough tokens for a free wash and valet from all the times you’ve had your car cleaned by ‘the foreign fellows’ during the supermarket shop, but you’re too proud (and wedged) to ever cash it in.
SOBER SUMMARY: Has more talent than most and all the right tools for this job, in theory, but this is a practical exam and it’s quite some time since he passed one of those, due to his various flaws and foibles.
DRUNKEN SUMMARY: Hasn’t got the bottle.
PROSECCO
Promote its virtues and its value all you want, we all know it’s just an unadventurous understudy. Only infrequently does it serve a proper purpose, when the setting is right and the money is down.
What your drink says – You love Wowcher, and Facebook, and telling people you love Wowcher on Facebook. Nothing says aspirational middle class like Prosecco, but you know that and are in on the joke, so that’s okay.
SOBER SUMMARY: Not a good enough jumper, nor a strong enough stayer; little chance.
DRUNKEN SUMMARY: Can’t jump, won’t stay, no chance.
ROSE
Middle of the road, to the point of blandness.Doesn’t know exactly what it’s supposed to be, much like its consumers.
What your drink says – “I’ll just have a rose”. Throwing in the word “just” while ordering is more of an admission than a statement: you know that your drink, like your unambitious life, is neither here nor there.
SOBER SUMMARY: Good jumper, and the type to show up well for a long way, but the National trip is a very long way, and he’s not cut out for it, not at his age and stage.
DRUNKEN SUMMARY: Trying to run before he can walk, but will be walking by the last mile.
SAUVIGNON BLANC
Assertive and assured, a directness which organises the party but doesn’t stay around for the fun bit at the end.
What your drink says - You know people call you fussy but you don’t mind that. You enjoy four European city breaks a year but still privately think that Brexit is a good idea.
SOBER SUMMARY: Has really got his act together this season, but in it for the short-haul, and flying too far with this long-haul labour.
DRUNKEN SUMMARY: Why the chuff isn’t this thing running in the Topham?
MULLED WINE
Seasonally traditionally but traditionally seasonal, making sense for only a few weeks of the year. Incongruous in the spring.
What your drink says – Self-loathing in a plastic cup. Or, worse still, self-loathing in a mug which is holding your fiver hostage, adding to an increasingly bitter taste in your mouth as the hot mulled makes way for warm wine. But everybody is doing it, and it’s Christmas, so just suck it up.
SOBER SUMMARY: The road is long, including a Canal Turn, that leads them right through, six more, to The Chair. Houblon’s strong, strong enough to jump and stay. But it ain’t heavy, so don’t bother.
DRUNKEN SUMMARY: Above, in the style of Vic Reeves’ club singer.
MULLED CIDER
The same as mulled wine/Houblon des Obeaux, only even less interesting.
REGULAR BEER
Unassuming. Reliable. No frills nor fuss, you know what you get and you get what you know. It sees off the fads and the frivolous because of its tremendous staying power.
What your drink says – Happy go lucky. ‘One that makes calls and sends texts’ is your reply when someone asks what sort of phone you’ve got. You’ve no idea what’s in your bank balance, but Netflix is still there when you tune in every day so things must be fine.
SOBER SUMMARY: Fell at the first in 2015, but older and wiser now, and a strong stayer. Fair chance he can complete if pacing himself, though it’s easier said than done in the world of lager and Gas Line Boy.
DRUNKEN SUMMARY: Obviously can’t win, but for sneaking a place there are worse 100/1 pokes than him.
CRAFT BEER
We know it well by now, but it’s still that bit sexier than most others on the market. Whether you really like it or not is irrelevant compared to the extra kudos to be had in saying you do.
What your drink says – I have a beard, an on-trend one. I have a checked shirt, an on-trend one. I have a leather bag, an on-trend one. I still listen to Radio 1. I fist bump.
SOBER SUMMARY: Sixth last year, despite a compromising clout of the nineteenth fence. Looks to be coming in even hotter this time around, and a must for any short-list.
DRUNKEN SUMMARY: Staggered if he’s not in the first three.
CORONA
The X-Factor. Once had it, now it’s like it, losing the magic, looking to have had its day. A victim of its early success. Nevertheless, it’s still seen as pretty cool, and there’s always that limey twist.
What your drink says – Home or abroad, summer or winter, you wear shorts when going down for breakfast in hotels. In your bedside drawer you’ve still got those notes for that novel you’ve been planning to write.
SOBER SUMMARY: Definitely a case to be made for him on his old form, and campaign looks to have been geared towards Aintree, where his amateur rider has a remarkable record.
DRUNKEN SUMMARY: There are big gaps between the dots you have to join.
KALIBER
Something, somewhere, has gone terribly wrong.
What your drink says – Our therapist said we each own our problems. I’m still fine in this sort of environment, honest. You haven’t got a carrier bag I could breathe into, have you?
SOBER SUMMARY: Looked machines once upon a time, but suffered flat tyres last season, and the wheels have come off completely this term.
DRUNKEN SUMMARY: [sings] The moment I wake up, before I put on my make-up…
GIN AND TONIC
Long-established, if not time-honoured, as it’s not always à la mode, instead in vogue in waves, but it’s riding the crest of one now, turning heads and even opinions. The more you look at what’s on offer, the more it becomes a go-to choice, with its class and currency.
What your drink says – Suits in the week, polo shirts (collar up) on the weekend. Glasses are important, both what you’re drinking from and what you’re wearing, carrying a clear-lens pair to complete the look when required. Keep it to yourself but it’s the bitterness of the gin that hits the spot and speaks to your inner psychopath.
SOBER SUMMARY: Turning a stuttering career into an accomplished one, at just the right time for this biggest test of all. There are still ifs and buts (jumping and stamina), but the ‘maybe’ word is now appearing in answer to the can-he-win-it question.
DRUNKEN SUMMARY: A polarising player, causing wild mood swings in the early-evening discussions and just wild swings in the end-of-night disturbance.
VODKA AND SODA
When it’s so neutral and low-key you’ve got to ask: what’s the point?
What your drink says – You’d heard of Randox Health before all this. You haven’t got an opinion - any opinion, on anything - but you have got things that are important to you, like Yankee Candles and spinning classes.
SOBER SUMMARY: Only hoping for a completion by getting over all the fences.
DRUNKEN SUMMARY: Only hope of a completion is by going around the fences.
VODKA AND RED BULL
Whoa there. High energy, high intensity, high jinx, and just high. You came in like a wrecking ball. But it’s odds-on you’ll be leaving a nervous wreck. Headstrong and headlong into the centre of attention, peak crazy, but a danger of peaking too soon. A firm favourite amongst the strutting juniors, though the tutting seniors are cynically steering clear.
What your drink says – A pitcher paints a thousand words; words like ‘alpha’ and ‘male’ and ‘toss’ and er, others. If you’re knocking them back and under 25, you’re young and it’s excusable; over 25 and it’s Jung neurosis and you’re inexcusable.
SOBER SUMMARY: In pole position from a ratings perspective, improving the most since the weights were announced, but it’s not so cut-and-dried as all that, enduring harder qualifying laps than most, on very different circuits to what he faces at Aintree, for the first time.
DRUNKEN SUMMARY: Enochlophobia – the fear of large crowds. The twice he’s been in big-field chases, he fell and unseated.
NEAT JAMESON WHISKEY
Irish through and through. Mature, defined and refined. Maybe too mature, too defined, and a little less refined these days. But it has great stamina and will still be going long after others have fallen by the wayside.
What your drink says – By and large, you’ve got life sorted. You don’t need to boast about it, though, as the chunky watch and aftershave aroma do that for you. And nobody has forgotten the time, and the way, you settled that argument a few years ago.
SOBER SUMMARY: Has a pedigree as an Irish Grand National winner. Slim pickings since, but there’s enough in his ledger and locker not to put a line through him.
DRUNKEN SUMMARY: Roses are red; Thunder is eerie. The worst of both worlds; Phil Smith v O’Leary.
NEAT JAMESON WHISKEY WITH LOADS OF ICE
A watered-down Thunder And Roses.
COGNAC
Serious stuff. Saved for special occasions, and well worth the wait, but well worth the weight? Literally and figuratively the one they all look up to. A luxury item, enriched and enriching, to be savoured.
What your drink says – ‘Living in the moment, thinking about the future, and staying connected to the past. That’s what makes me the most successful man I know, and I wouldn’t trade places with anybody in the world.’
The mantra of the greatest Cognac quaffer of them all: Hugh Hefner.
SOBER SUMMARY: About as good as it gets without winning over the National fences so far, runner-up last year, and also placed in the Becher in December, under top-weight as here. Classy, but not yet a Many Clouds, and has a higher mark than when that one won it.
DRUNKEN SUMMARY: Right horse, wrong time.
SINGLE MALT
Mistaken for boring, but it’s safe, seasoned and semi-sophisticated. No excitement, but no dramas either. Long-lasting, and does what it does very well.
What your drink says – Everything is very clean; your appearance, your house, your driving licence. ‘If you just had a bit more ambition…’ say your boss and your partner, and if you just had a bit more wisdom you reply, in your head, as you’re very comfortable in what you do, and in your skin.
SOBER SUMMARY: Has proven his worth in the Becher, now gets his chance in the main event, but it’s a National second and a handicap first, and the numbers just don’t add up with him.
DRUNKEN SUMMARY: Finishes, but finishes between sixth and ninth.
BAILEYS
Did Ireland proud in the past. A good idea only about once a year these days. Once so powerful, now so passé.
What your drink says – You’re 71. Or you’re visiting your relative on their 71st birthday. Or it’s December 4th and Asda had an offer on.
SOBER SUMMARY: Odd flashback every now and then, but they seem to set him back rather than spur him on, but if anyone can light the old fire then it’s Leighton Aspell.
DRUNKEN SUMMARY: Pulls up.
TEQUILA
Youthful and vibrant, flashy and full of itself. It’s a rollercoaster ride, but at least you know you’re alive. Outcomes include ending up on the floor and shooting your bolt before things get interesting, but there’s nothing like this for that small chance it might just be the night of your life.
What your drink says – Unmarried, but you definitely have a cat or a dog. Once-a-year bets in the National are quite substantial because it’s just like the lottery and you still do that every week. You were a vegetarian for a while but have kind of relaxed that now as you just want to experience everything in life.
SOBER SUMMARY: This may be a year too soon and a trip too far, but interesting for the fact he’s an unknown quantity in an otherwise familiar field.
DRUNKEN SUMMARY: Coming around to him.
LONG ISLAND ICED TEA
Sneaks up on you and BANG! A fiery, fearsome mix that needs handling with extreme care, but it can do things nothing else can. You have to knowingly enter the ‘this is gonna go one of two ways’ pact.
What your drink says – You don’t give a f*ck. You’ve got 99 problems but gettin’ rich ain’t one.
SOBER SUMMARY: One for the big days, and none are bigger than this, though he had a go in 2015, when eighth, and while he has the talent and temperament he mightn’t have the tools for this specific job.
DRUNKEN SUMMARY: Just send him a late-night text to tell him how much you bloody love him.
MOJITO
A long time in the preparation. A long, long time. But when an expert is constructing it (as opposed to your pathetic home-made attempts), you just know it’s going to be good. Fashionable to the extent that we’re almost into wise-guy territory, but you keep coming back to it.
What your drink says – You used your gap year in a good way. You’re worldly and daring, and there’s probably a subtle tattoo somewhere that only seven or eight people know about.
SOBER SUMMARY: Season, and possibly career, has been working back from this point, the 2017 Grand National. Arriving with momentum, for the classiest combo of all, Mullins and Walsh, and the closer we get the more he’s luring you in.
DRUNKEN SUMMARY: It’s Willie and Ruby. That’ll do for me.
NEGRONI
The thinking-man’s choice. Strong and straightforward, no frills, no disguises, no messing around. The mix is more than the sum of its parts, which maybe don’t fit on paper. Don’t be fooled by the simplicity, as this is one mean hombre.
What your drink says – You don’t conform, but aren’t one of those people who goes around shouting that they don’t conform. You earn between £41k-£48k a year. Your friends all say you’d be brilliant on QI, which isn’t true, but you like them thinking it.
SOBER SUMMARY: Has never faced these fences before, but something about him suggests he’ll relish the challenge. Excellent trial for this when giving Vieux Lion Rouge all he could handle, and his class/attitude will get him a long way.
DRUNKEN SUMMARY: Wins.
BLOODY MARY
Why waste time by running in a marathon when you can sprint? In-your-face bold, but too eager and trying too hard.
What your drink says – ‘I’m an alcoholic.’
SOBER SUMMARY: Amongst the better-handicapped handful after a buccaneering display at Ascot, but that ticket is non-transferable to Aintree.
DRUNKEN SUMMARY: Brace yourselves.
WHISKEY SOUR
A rite of passage. You’re in it for the long haul, and know the direction you’re heading, but some sugary-sweet help is needed to help you acquire the taste.
What your drink says – You’ve got your ID ready at the bar. Going to London is still a big thing. You haven’t forgiven your parents for buying you a Kindle when they should know you prefer real books.
SOBER SUMMARY: Coming-of-age season has put him on the front-line of the Aintree attack, and has all the right qualities for it, but just a suspicion that he’ll be more ready and able for the 2018 National, plus the ground may be a bit quick for him this time.
DRUNKEN SUMMARY: First time in the National for horse and rider? I’ll pass, thanks.
OLD FASHIONED
Old in name and nature, but a shrewd and sure-footed choice that marks you out from the young crowd who’ll be running to the toilet to be sick while you’re still chugging away and on your twelfth game of cards between you.
What your drink says – You’re very certain of things, including how this should be made - with Bourbon. You’re not ready to be pensioned off just yet, but there’s a nice sum there when that day comes, because you’ve invested rather than splashed out.
SOBER SUMMARY: National veterans. Still going strong and more likely than many to complete, but winning this is now a young man’s game.
DRUNKEN SUMMARY: In other words, too old.
APEROL SPRITZ
An aperitif. A means to an end, starting slowly and building up to something. Sensible yet seductive, and packs more of a punch than it might look.
What your drink says – You’ve got a big date later and don’t want to blow it by going too hard too soon. You don’t mind paying £50 for sandals, because you’re all over a sandals person. You think it’s paid off that you spent some time nailing the pronunciation of various continental drinks, as that extra inflection gives you an extra edge.
SOBER SUMMARY: Has probably had this as an objective ever since he won the Scottish version last spring. Hidden in plain sight, in all the ‘right’ races, not prominent nor giving the game away. And then there’s that tell-tale transaction, bought recently by National mogul Trevor Hemmings.
DRUNKEN SUMMARY: He’s on the radar alright.
ALLURE’S WAY
More than meets the eye. The cocktail of two parts: timid on top, but there’s fire underneath, and that’s what makes it interesting as an alternative to the usual suspects, alluring in its way.
What your drink says – None of the furniture in your flat goes together, but it doesn’t bother you, so long as the guitar is always near to hand. Growing up is for other people, but at least you’ve stopped dying your hair.
SOBER SUMMARY: Easy, but unwise, to forget his form of last season, when showing class and stamina aplenty at Cheltenham and going off favourite for the Scottish National. Hasn’t found his feet this term, but only two races in, and it all depends on how forgiving you are.
DRUNKEN SUMMARY: Drink to forget, don’t forget to drink.
Non-alcoholic cocktail. Looks the part but won’t get you anywhere.
The freshest water collected from mountainside harvesting tank – nothing without rain.
Milk. Full of goodness but coming in cold and past its expiration date by second Becher’s.
J2O. Recently rebranded and marketed differently, with success, but still no business in this fully-stocked bar.
Guinness Zero. All of the heft, none of the fun. Too weighty to enjoy it.
Stout Without. Same problem as Guinness Zero, equally excessive on the weight scale, but marginally less cumbersome.
Soda water. Only two times in every ten does it contain the purported fizziness, and more often than not it’s infuriatingly flat and worthless.
McDonalds Milkshake. No chance of finishing it off.
BARMAN’S RECOMMENDATIONS:
You can’t go wrong with the Cabernet (Vieux Lion Rouge), and the Craft Beer (Ucello Conti) will surely serve you well, though if you’re feeling brave and want to try something different then the Aperol Spritz (Vicente) is a personal favourite. But you wouldn’t ask if you weren’t adventurous, and this week’s cocktail special is the rewardingly-risky and riskily-rewarding Negroni, to release your inner lion, the Blaklion.
Read Nic Doggett's 2017 Randox Health Grand National Preview
Read Simon Rowlands' 2017 Randox Health Grand National Trends Preview
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